Dreaming Within A Dream
by BadWolfKaily
Summary: Elizabeth has her demons and there are unrelenting ghosts that haunt her still. Is it just her mind or are they real? See how she tries to escape reality and in the end it isn't something you'd expect.
1. Prologue

Dreaming Within A Dream

Prologue

Elizabeth never noticed that it came, how it had come. So unbeknownst, disguised as a dream of humanity. The great pains and scars one must endure for merely being human. Her guilt is like shackles to her wrists and her shame to her ankles. That sorrow, the confinement, its like a diathesis of gut wrenching evisceration. The decisions she has made...her mistakes, the lives she's lost under her command. Those lives, men and women, those souls that haunt her still. They linger and watch, they blame her, they beguile her. She can't bare to sleep because they constantly bombard her with nightmares of their deaths and pain. Every minute, every emotion, every life sucking moment that was their last.

Through the countless cups of black coffee she finds herself clutching the railing to her evening terrace. Where on nights the Atlantean moon is full and shadows are mockingly vivid. She finds herself clutching that railing from the other side. Where the waves crash below her and the wind blows whispers of tauntment. How she finds her way back to the other side is beyond her, who that figure is that always saves her. Some man shrouded in cloak and hood, whom always seems to come to her at the right time and coax her back from the edge.

Who for a short time holds her and quenches the pain and belittles the voices until they vanish. So he stays and holds her their as she sleeps for once in a great while until the sun sets and she wakes alone and lost. Gathering herself and yet not too soon afterwards they return, those voices. And she must suffer once more, even though she starts each and every day pleading with them and telling them how sorry she is. Still never crying but always showing agonizing remorse. There are the days and times when she will feel such remorse she can't remember who she is or where she is. Yet there may be hours that are unbearable, there are also the hours that aren't so unbearable. She still doesn't know why they haven't realized it, or if they have why they haven't said anything. Is she getting what she deserves?

So this is her punishment, it's almost as if she's dreaming, and she can't ever wake up but there's someone out there trying to wake her from the nightmare. As she slowly wastes away with those eyes that penetrate deep into her very being, the eyes that can tear her apart and break her. Then, then there is only one escape from those unwavering gazes. Just a little escape that way tomorrow will come again for her, no matter how painful.


	2. Chapter 1

Taking a deep breath she files into the briefing room only to be met with four pairs of stareing eyes. She takes a deep breath and fins her seat at the head of the table,"Sorry I'm late...sorry," she says as she looks up and past the confused senior staff to the group of soldiers and scientists standing at the foot of the table.

"Alright with me because by the looks of it you don't look too good, Elizabeth," comes the voice of her second in command, Lt Col John Sheppard.

"Thanks John, I never knew you cared, but I'll be fine," she snaps, though she slept she feels the overbearing weight of exhaustion,"So whats our mission today?"

Rodney stands and begins,"We, we found another ancient out post on a neighboring planet and I'd like it if we could, to go and explore it. I believe it could be some ancient watch tower," and so he says with a smile of excitement and pride.

"Great, fine take whoever and whatever you need," she stands and hurries for the door, through the pain.

She leaves them all with confused looks,"Man, I think someone needs to take to her," Ronon says looking around the table.

"I concure, Doctor Weir has been acting very distant and distracted the last few weeks," Teyla looks from Ronon to John.

"Well, I hope I'm not that person. I'm not one for comforting and what not," Rodney worriedly smirks.

"Right, cause all you're good at is making people feel less superior and small," John points out and stands,"I'll do it," he walks towards the door and pats Rodney on the shoulder as he's about to protest to his earlier remark.

Running to catch up with her,"Elizabeth!" and yet she doesn't seem to hear him.

Through the voices she hears someone calling her voice, _please not you too! _She's about to turn the corner but finds herself wide-eyed and in a familiar tight embrace. "John?" she quivers, _wasn't I who embraced you last? Because you saved me from the agony of having to relieve your last minutes of life...why? _she chokes holding back tears not just because she feels warm and welcome for once but because the voices quieted. He pulls away,"You looked like you needed a hug...Elizabeth what's wrong?" he crosses his arms and shows a look of not so oftenl shown worry and concern for her.

"Nothing, I'm fine...just tired," she begins to walk away but he grabs her arm before she's out of reach.

"Elizabeth, I'm here if there's something you want to talk about," he gives her a look of reassuring solace letting go of her arm.

"I know," she says in in a tone he's never heard, _so sad_, "I'll keep that in mind," she smiles and walks away.

He looks after her and realizes something Carson should know. He whispers to himself still watching her,"Elizabeth, of all people, why you?" he looks down in heartache and walks away.

She returns to her quarters and this time the voices, the bodies, they gather and commemorate how much of a leader she was. The person who ordered them to their deaths. That's her punishment, to suffer their pains. She never thought she'd ever resort to this but she has, she reachs her bedside and shamefully finds her way to the small syringe pulsingly lying within her small night stand drawer. When that needle injects her with the welcoming coolness that rushes through her system, she calapses into a relief onto her bed. It slowly warms every inch of her dying body, and the dying voices, and she finds herself lying in the darkness of her very own infinite prison. This prison only becomes her Eden when He decides to come to her. He'll come and hold her close, so close that she can hear his heart beat, feel it. And in a single beat its as if her very heart has remembered itself. Remembered how to beat, how to love. Then they beat as one. But always with the hours comes the voices and then he fades and she forever more is lost in a dream within a dream that has lost all meaning. As if chained down this time her duties as leader don't seem to matter so much anymore and she remains chained there. Chained to the weight of guilt and shame, and the voices hold the key. Soaked in tears and sorrow that drown her, _why won't he come for me? Come back...back to me..._and she falls into a deep limitless sleep. With the numerous bodies and the hideous manicle laughter they leave behind as they follow back into her mind.


End file.
